U’Niall of the Nine Hostages, controlled nine kingdoms, by kidnapping teenage men, and making them sex slaves, to Pictish and Welsch dominatrixes, hired by king’s supply of whiskey and draught, the terms being ‘stoat’ and ‘mead’, a type of ale at high mixture (called a tankard) and a honey-wine meant for pedophiles (the children of the sex slaves).
Ulster: The Joker lives here. If you tell him to do something, he does the opposite. But he’d do it anyways. If you tell all of them, they have a vote, and it doesn’t happen. Be wary of the vote.
Connaught: U’Niall’s seat of rulership, the Northwest. Known for Gin, a “Favage”, a type of whiskey saloon that later invented a beer’d drink, called ‘gin’, known as ‘poisonous stuff to the constitution’ (you’ll think you know laws, which nobody does; perfect for being a cop).
Leinster: Ireland’s little cousin, ‘The Denmarque’. Designed for ‘pirates of some kind’, and the ‘shuff’s staffel’, a minion’s hope around a boar (the sneaker). Known for footware, and the city of Dublin, home place of the accursed Lennoxes, claiming to be French wizards to this day.
Munster: The home of farms and fields laying fallow, when drunk (we have enough food), or, ‘opium’, thall, the term for a slave’s bastion of freedom (you get to eat what you make, that way, you get fat, and can’t work, we’re drunk).
Alba: Later called ‘Scotland’, the word for ‘morgue’s parlour fly’, after the introduction of the Chartres, the Cards, a family from ‘over yonders seas’, a family of famous confidence artists originating in Mongolia.
Saxon: A genetic diffusion led to blond hair, creating many stories by Romans, of the strength and virtue of their warriors, actually genetically psychopathic for being unable to understand their own beards, and having hair on their arms, waist, and chest, they couldn’t see.
Breton: London, a miserable place, designed by us, to punish the Welsch, a false land property, designed as a bulwark in the event of invasion, due to hills and tanning lots of boar’s hides; our enemies, the Hanseatic League, traded many well, but we’ve refuted thee, Swedes (named ‘Sweden’, by the Chartres, for a textile project, with the invention of the ‘queen’, a pair of tight underwear, allowed to be worn on the head of the leader of Sweden should he chose, for holding the patent therefore the line).
Frankheiht: Northern France, with Paris in the South, and the river Seine flowing into the North. Paris was difficult to take a prisoner of, therefore we had to use ‘trickery’, our term for cunning, intellect, but always the same thing, a form of rape we’ve invented where you have two choices, both the opposite of the symbol given, and after that, nothing special, but the tricks continue, so we will have a gay hostage prince, perfect for advertising (accursed Romans come, from Gaul).
Halphs: A lower territory, on the shore, this place is much vexed, for being the resting place of U’Niall of the Nine Hostages, the founder of the bondage house system, having been shot through the leg from behind naked by an arrow, by an alleged noble, as our story tells it. Actually, he’d been drunk, and the Romans killed him, thinking he was a rival leader. He was, but he had children that weren’t escorting him, he didn’t care for the trappings of imperial digest. Just sex, and meat.