The Ninja Handbook (Codes for Hari-Kari of Family)

The Crazy Yoshi Ninja Handbook (Available at Saks Fifth Avenue)

Rule #1: Never betray an old friend (even a ninja).
Rule #2: Revenge is not allowed. Corrolary: vengeance is.
Rule #3: Preparation is nothing unless never prepared.
Rule #4: The sacred art is five, not four. (Unless a lady?)
Rule #5: Techniques should always follow a rule of thumb (politics).
Rule #6: Government’s purpose is to create villains via social workers. Corrolary: Always respect, but be thoughtful (furrow brow).
Rule #7: Always say honor is contract (but honor is really word).
Rule #8: Surprise is the proper reaction to a curse (unless you cast spell).
Rule #9: When with courtesan (never consort, unless purchase samurai guide), always watch sword.
Rule #10: The purpose of religion is to give money to ninja.
Rule #11: Never trust book about Buddhism by white man. Buddha is very expensive.
Rule #12: Please see Rule #15.
Rule #13: Gang members should only be dispatched when not watching. Corrolary: When killing a leader, you do not watch.
Rule #14: Anime fan is fodder. If you are anime fan, read Naruto and be Sasuke.
Rule #15: Always add three extra things.
Rule #16: When breaking and entering, don’t worry about concealing face, just make sure you can see (please see appendix about mailing list for little ninjas).
Rule #17: To incapacitate foe, remove three legs. Unless stealing camera, then go direct route.
Rule #18: To become true ninja, one must read this rule after reading guide, then figure out why you need Crazy Yoshi.
Rule #19: When injured, claim Hebrew ancestry.
Rule #20: When functioning in a two-man team, always make sure you have costumes with two different paired items (for nearby anime nerds).
Rule #21: Never join Yakuza, only purchase fine products at Saks Fifth Avenue. Yakuza is charitable, Saks Fifth Avenue needs your money.
Rule #22: When impressing government agents, take a small pistol that you never use, merely openly display. That way, they will assume you are secret agent, and protect when disaster occurs. Corollary: If they hire you, they are incompetent, disaster will occur. Idiots love ninja.
Rule #23: You did all of it, ninja. The ninja code of silence only applies to things other people did.
Rule #24: Sleep cycle should be regular unless master ninja. Master ninja is any ninja without a proper sleep cycle.
Rule #25: Prime Directive: Always quote this book when drama is needed, and make sure to mention Crazy Yoshi.
Rule #26: The proper method of quoting a rule is to come up with a catchy number. Never mention Rule #26 in public (the number is lame).
Rule #27: Always remember that movies with Asians are your primary means of encryption. Corollary: Decryption should be done with Keanu Reeves movies.
Rule #28: Climbing equipment should be ignored. Unless comfortable shoes for stairs.
Rule #29: When speaking to senior official in government, make up rule quote that he is samurai. Corollary: Samurai is someone who is very honorable, for reasons that samurai, and not you, understand.
Rule #30: Fire scare all ninja. Teach fat ninja to smoke, that way he buy Crazy Yoshi Ninja Handbook!
Rule #31: Asian woman is squad automatic weapon. Never trust, unless she has betrayed you (destroy later, you are now gay).
Rule #32: You think you Crazy Yoshi? You write handbook when you break Rule #1. Then Crazy Yoshi is you!
Rule #33: If operating in America, beware Yoder v. Wisconsin Supreme Court Ruling. Rule mean nothing to anyone, hence why dangerous.
Rule #34: Always secure household from alien life. Cartoons very offensive to peaceful hostile race. Corollary: Rael is religion of peace.
Rule #35: When retiring to lucrative career, always recommend actor based on failed mission for big box office flop. That way, you get written as character actor plays!
Rule #36: The only enemy is within. If you see him, break Rule #1 at discretion. Corollary: Everybody needs pills.
Rule #37: If you bring three extra things to court, you did it wrong (coffee bad).
Rule #38: If a man has a large head, he can only be trusted if he has hair. Corollary: If you are a man with a large head and hair, never trust Gumbi (he is gay).
Rule #39: You think you hot stuff? You try be Crazy Yoshi!
Rule #40: Never trust an agent of rogue government organization codenamed ‘G.I. Joe’. Corollary: Intelligence indicates they may work for ‘father’ (cross-reference files on ‘Mark Millar’).
Rule #41: If survive Rule #40, you are not Dolemite. Review this movie, preferably by trailer! Full cinematic review is for the police. You are a ninja, police are racist.
Rule #42: Study your enemy’s methods by music, but lie to your enemy about your manners. What was the question?
Rule #43: The most honor is had in destruction. Corollary: Chaos is for a samurai (consult Frank Herbert for explanation; he is dead).
Rule #44: All rules are confidence schemes, unless proper method to success. Corollary: This book is law. Do not join Yakuza, they work for free (a ninja is for honor, not charity!)
Rule #45: Always obey rumor about boss, but be polite to all. If boss does not fire, he is great sensei! Much honor from serving him.
Rule #46: Honor is on discount these days. Luckily, ninja have always been dumb! (Unless you trust Crazy Yoshi!)
Rule #47: The best exit is explained before surprise.
Rule #48: Did you know that tools were invented by sorcerors? Corollary: Wizards are not real.
Rule #49: Once you have found a comfortable spot to practice your ninja art, you must figure out, what is my method? That is how you discover your method.
Rule #50: You are ready to begin as ninja (first, annoy boss by declaring ninja codename).
Rule #51: Always sleep on your side, incase of alcoholism, martians, or prison.
Rule #52: The true definition of gay is listening to other people. Can you defeat my riddle?
Rule #53: Martial arts are for fitness and covert movement practice. Fighting is to be done by running; warfare is for samurai.
Rule #54: If you are always watched, you are always confident (except on television).
Rule #55: When battling a deadly opponent, the proper course of action is to allow them to defeat themselves. That way, the battle never begins.
Rule #56: Argument is based on public opinion (anything else is a lethal).
Rule #57: Never gamble for money. Always gamble for training.
Rule #58: Every single deficit is an asset misnamed by a government official’s wife (soon even ninja will be retarded!).
Rule #59: Sex least important thing in the world (unless you are not talking about romance!)
Rule #60: Never pay attention to character based on you, unless disagreeing. Corollary: Character is based on you if you think it! (Consult Theodor Herzl, tricky Jew!)
Rule #61: An inferior motivation is for prestige. A superior motivation is for honor. The pyramid points up, dumb dumb!
Rule #62: All tasks require the proper self-induced toxin. Nature was once this method. Now, we have corporate world (charitable organization!)
Rule #63: A ninja sage requires fish. Sushi is only for Crazy Yoshi.
Rule #64: Do not worry about posture, unless alone. When alone, do not worry. When worrying, think about your posture.
Rule #65: If you have stolen this handbook, read Rule #64.
Rule #66: Nobody is evil but ninja. Corollary: Evil is not listening to ninja.
Rule #67: When planning a mission, it always occurs in three stages. Concept, gear, location.
Rule #68: When a mission ends, concept should be discussed, gear should be collected, location should be left promptly.
Rule #69: A weak friend wants things both ways. He is often late.
Rule #70: When seeking an amorous connection, always aim upwards in status. Discuss their position and a summary of your claims, which are as follows: the reason, the advantage, the reasonable advantage and the method with which it relates to your friend, and your request.
Rule #71: A ninja never needs a spouse, only a lover. Everything else is just taxes.
Rule #72: Politics is not for a ninja. Politicians are.
Rule #73: A renegade ninja is nothing more than a Yakuza. They are a charitable organization, but they must display status (that is the way of a businessman; your task is honor).
Rule #74: If you add six to anything, you will produce a mathematical lie.
Rule #75: Your true ninja name will be assigned when you are most brilliant, and master your sensei’s appraisal of your hire status. Corollary: If he offers advice, you will be given much honor. Otherwise, you are in a watering hole.
Rule #76: Did you know that the question being too complex is for your mind’s exercise, not your body?
Rule #77: The holy number is #1. A double cross in the name of God is Rule #77. Rule #77 is to be returned to Rule #1. If you do not understand, you are not a ninja, you are a Triad. Corollary: Why are you not charitable, Triad?
Rule #78: The Buddha provides. Crazy Yoshi is not the Buddha, or is he?
Rule #79: All of us are equal in this world, unless we have been diminished by our own standards of behavior towards others as they pertain to ourselves. Do you understand economics? Then you understand psychology. Then you will realize that equality is just for school. That is sociology.
Rule #80: If you see your enemy within you, his advice is meant to be given to past foes. A foe is a rival; an enemy is the closest friend lost to jealousy.
Rule #81: The hardest rule to follow is Rule #81. If you do math in your head, it is never correct on paper. That is your culinary secret. Corollary: A test of logic takes a lifetime.
Rule #82: This rule makes no sense, because the number is illogical. Factors, please, thief!
Rule #83: This is the most important rule for a sensei: wisdom is from within, not the wife, the spouse, the lover, or the student. Exception: What if you are no longer a ninja?
Rule #84: If your relative shops at Saks Fifth Avenue, you are not purchasing from Goldman Sachs!
Rule #86: Most charitable organizations do not operate in public. The Yakuza is very honest, but has very little money.
Rule #85: Remember that song that got stuck in your head as a child, that is turning real? You are cursed. The blessing does not reveal itself until you are through the forest of suicides.
Rule #86: Jane Austen is for a clusterfuck. That means you cannot say clusterfuck. Consult Rule #87.
Rule #87: Darcy is a soldier, not a ship. Unless the boat has knockers. Corollary: Your oar will break, do not attempt to be a samurai.
Rule #88: This rule should be on television.
Rule #89: Did you break Rule #1? Oliver Stone works for the Ku Klux Klan. Good riddance.
Rule #00: Nobody is too young or too old to make a sacrifice for Japan.

Published by cheater120

Consider me an expert in information munitions. I practice Zazen meditation, Yakuza Trappist form (a Yakuza, games cheat, and Trappist, a counter-agent), as a Bonafuda, a mercantile salesmen of information through philosophy, literature, fiction, and academics, distributed as munitions technique deployed for the purpose apparent to you, unless of course you have violated the ethics of my piece, in which case you will be trapped inside a theft of the piece and an action within the boundaries of the violation you have committed in Benedictine culture, the Jewish affiliate within Catholic culture. Buyer beware, and these poems, are free.

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